Guilt
by Fanfiction911
Summary: Alex's guilt over Sean.


Alex watched silently as his chest rose and fell in a slow and steady rhythm. She had been watching Sean for the past six hours. They had wheeled him into Division in the exact same condition he was in now and she had patiently waited for him to regain consciousness ever since. From her own experiences as a recruit, she knew the process of waking up from Division's famous "cocktail of death" could range from hours to days. It all depended on him and and how his body metabolized the drugs. It didn't help that he was wounded too.

But, she knew that waking up was only the beginning. The real challenge would begin when he realized that the life he knew was now gone forever. Everyone he ever knew, loved or cared about was now off limits. He would be dead to the world. It would have been fine if he was an ex-addict like herself with no family and no future. But, it was completely different for him. He was a decorated Navy SEAL with a honorable and promising career ahead of him. He had sisters who loved him and nephews who adored him. All that instantly disappeared for him the minute he met her. She could see that now. She was his Achilles heel, his one weakness in an otherwise sea of strengths.

Alex reached out to smooth Sean's hair for what seemed like the hundredth time. At first she had sat on the chair Michael had brought her but as the hours passed and Sean showed no signs of waking, she had abandoned it for the comfort of his bed. Well, comfort was relative she thought. When she was a recruit, she hated the narrow frames and thin mattresses Division laughingly called beds. Now as she crawled onto the small bed and pressed herself against him, it suddenly felt like the most comfortable bed in the world.

When had she become so weak? Her father would have been furious with her. He had taught her to be strong, independent and self-sufficient. If he were to see her now, curled up anxiously watching a man that had once tried to kill her best friend, he would have chastised her for her weak will and spirit. He would say that no man was worth that. But he would be wrong. Because Sean was worth that and more. It just terrified her to admit that out loud. Just as Alex reached to adjust his blanket, Sean let out a low groan.

"Sean?" Alex half-whispered and froze as her eyes fixed on his face.

"Wha ... ," Sean started in a wobbly voice as he slowly opened his eyes to adjust to his surroundings.

Sitting up anxiously, Alex shifted into his line of sight so that he could see it was her. "Hey, its me," she smiled and said softly as he struggled to focus on her face. Her hands reached out to touch his face more to reassure herself than to reassure him.

"Alex?" he said unsteadily as he tried to get up. "What happened?"

"Hey, hey, don't get up," she continued softly as she gently pushed him back down. "Your shoulder is hurt. It's going to hurt for a little bit."

Sean moved to adjust himself and sharply inhaled a breathe. "Oh, yeah ... that's a gunshot wound," he said as he let out a long breath. "What the hell happened?" he looked at her in confusion. "The last thing I remember is sitting in the CIA interrogation room waiting for my lawyer. Now I'm here in Division with you with a gunshot to my shoulder?"

Alex cleared her throat. She knew that this moment was coming. She had steeled herself for it. But none of that mattered now as she looked into his eyes and saw the overwhelming trust he had in her. It was this trust and her exponentially increasing guilt that was tearing her apart. When they had exhausted all options to clear Sean's name, Nikita had come to her with a last ditch, desperate plan. It would have to be her choice and no one else's she said. When Alex had made the gut-wrenching decision, Nikita had looked at with her understanding and sadness. At that moment, Alex realized what Nikita had gone through and was going through with Michael.

Sean's forehead wrinkled in worry as he looked at the emotions that flashed across Alex's face. He reached out and put his hands protectively over hers. "Hey, what's wrong?" His thumb moved reassuring over her hand. "It can't be that bad. I'm here. You're here," he smiled hoping some humor would lighten her mood.

She forced herself to smile and he smiled back at her. She took a deep breath and started shakily, "Sean ... there was a struggle in the interrogation room." She searched his face hoping he would show signs of remembering. But, it was clear that the drugs had messed with his short-term memory as it had with every recruit. She pressed on, "You were shot during the struggle. The gunshot caused a 'reaction' that made your heart ..." she trailed off.

Sean was quiet as he processed her words. The earlier humor he had evaporated instantly. "Made my heart what?" he replied quietly.

"Stop," she said in a near-whisper. She looked down at their intertwined hands unable to watch as understanding and realization set into his face.

His thumbs stopped their reassuring caresses and his hands stilled. His mind raced at a million miles in a million different directions. His heart dropped to his stomach and a still coldness settled in as his mind logically sifted through all the conclusions her simple comment really meant. Even when his mind realized the full impact of her words, his heart refused to accept it. He couldn't be dead. He was a Navy SEAL. He had a family. He had friends. He had a life. He wasn't some common criminal that needed a clean slate to start over. Duty, Honor and Country was what he believed and lived. It was him. It was all he knew. Now it was all gone. He had nothing left. He was nothing.

The minutes felt like hours as Alex looked up and watched Sean's face. His body was deathly still but she could see his mind racing. She watched as emotion over emotion flashed through his eyes. It was the calm before the storm she thought. She was waiting for the explosion that would surely come with his realization of the truth. But that never came. She watched as his eyes slowly glazed over. Her heart dropped as she realized it was the moment that his heart had finally accepted what his mind had already logically concluded. It was like watching him die all over again. It broke her heart and worse of all, it was all her fault. She had made the decision to "kill" him, to wipe all remnants of Sean Pierce from the world. She had taken all that was important to him and left him with nothing.

Her face was now wet with tears but she didn't care. She had to try to make this right. It was important to her that he understood why she did it. Even if he never wanted anything to do with her again, he had to know. "Please, Sean. Say something," she all but begged. His hands felt like dead weights in her grip.

He turned slowly to look at her. His eyes were looking at her but his focus was somewhere else.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what happened. We had no choice," Alex stammered. "There was no way to get you out of there. Believe me, we went through all the scenarios. None of them would have worked. We couldn't risk it," Alex paused, "I couldn't risk it."

Sean continued to stare at her. Her eyes were puffy and swollen. She looked exhausted and defeated. The weight of what she had done now rested squarely on her shoulders. How could Nikita live with this weight every single day. Alex didn't even know if she could last a week let alone a lifetime. Her heart shrank into a cold ball when she thought of Sean pushing her away like Michael did with Nikita. He had finally broke through her walls and now she wouldn't know what she would do without him. This was what she was so afraid of from the beginning. Letting Sean in, caring for him and then losing him. It was a pattern that she had vowed she would never follow again.

She absently wiped her wet face before continuing, "It was my decision to go ahead with the plan. I understood the risks and the outcome. The alternative was ... unacceptable," she paused as she thought of him serving a life sentence at a secret CIA facility. "You can still have a life, Sean. You can still have a future."

"A future?" he replied in a horse voice. "As what? A shadow, a ghost?"

She looked at him grateful that he had started talking but irritated at his words. "So you think we're shadows, we're ghosts?" She couldn't help the annoyance in her voice. "You think I'm a shadow?"

Sean looked at her in confusion before his mind realized what he had implied. He shook his head and replied more harshly then he had intended, "Of course not. You know that's not what I meant."

"What do you mean, then? That you're the only victim in this? You're the only one that's hurting now?" Alex couldn't hide the frustration and hurt in her voice. "I'm to blame for this. I have to live with the fact that I ruined your life," she said as her voice broke. "I took away everything that you are and left you with nothing. I know you hate me. I hate me." Alex shook her head. "You should have stayed away from me. I gave you so many chances. You wouldn't give up. I ruin everything I touch," she said in tears as her mind called up images of Tom and Nathan. One was dead and the other was god-knows where because of her. Now she had ruined the life of the only man she ever loved. It was too much for her to bear.

Sean's face softened as he watched her break down in front of him. His heart was torn. He loved her with all that was in him. There was no doubt of that. But, was that enough to start over, to live a life in the shadows? His mind wanted what he had lost but his heart wavered. He came to the slow realization that he had surrendered his future the minute he had met her. He was in trouble from the start. Smart, independent and beautiful. He was stupid to have told his mother he would seduce her and use her as a means to an end. As the months passed and as they started to get to know one another, he found himself helping her more than using her. Thinking back, he had given her back her father's watch not to spy on her but because he had felt helpless and terrified of her decision to confront Semack alone, without help or backup. And everything that he did after just reinforced his feelings, until that fateful day in medical when he let all his walls down and finally confessed his deepest secret. It was like a plot out of some bad movie. Man falls hard and fast for the woman he's supposed to seduce.

But this wasn't fiction. This was real. He shook his head as he realized that he and Michael had more in common than he thought. They were both hopelessly in love with incredibly head-strong and stubborn women. At first he blamed Alex for condemning him to a life without family and friends. But when he thought about it deeper, would he have chosen differently for himself? Would he have chosen to spent his whole life in a CIA prison, a known traitor to the country with no chance of seeing Alex or his family again? If the roles were reversed, would he have been strong enough to make the same decision Alex did with him and live with the guilt and fear of losing her forever? There was no other answer but no.

He smiled as he realized that. He refocused his eyes on her and reached for her hands. They were cold and trembling. She look startled at his gesture. "How could I hate you?" he started softly. "You saved me. You made the right decision." She looked at him with disbelief and relief swirled together. "Do I love my family? Yes. Will I miss them? Yes. Do I love being in the Navy? Yes. Will I miss being a SEAL? Hell yes. Would I trade all that for a chance at a future with you? That's a no-brainer. Yes," he finished with a smile as he reached up to gently stroke her face.

She sat stunned as he grunted in pain and sat up. He slowly reached forward and wiped away the tears from her face. He looked into her eyes as if asking for permission to kiss her. She allowed herself a smile and closed the distance as her lips touched his in a tentative kiss. He circled his arms around her and deepened the kiss to let her know that everything would be okay between them, that they would pull through this together. He pulled her down to the bed and wrapped his arms around her waist as she settled herself into his embrace. She could feel the heat radiating off him starting to warm her cold body. He pulled the sheets over her shivering body and tucked her closer to him as her hand moved to cover his heart.

They stayed like that for awhile, content in each others arms before Sean shifted his body as a bed spring dug into his lower back. Grunting his displeasure, he said, "Wow, if we keep ending up in these recruit beds, I'm going to have to get Ryan to change them to something way more comfortable."

Despite herself, Alex laughed at his comment. "Yeah, they're pretty terrible. Michael said they were meant to be uncomfortable."

"Huh," Sean replied. "Speaking of uncomfortable, I think maybe me and him need to have a talk."

Alex brought her head up and looked at him curiously. "About what?"

"About choices," he said quietly as he brushed a stray strand of her hair away from her face.

As understanding formed on her face, Alex smiled and whispered, "I love you."

Sean returned the smile. For the first time since he woke up, he felt his despair slowly replaced by hope. He had found a new family in Alex and new friends in Division. The future was what you made from what you had now. And what he had now was family who loved him and friends who cared about him.

He looked at Alex and saw that trust and love reflected in her eyes.

"I know. I love you too," he said simply.


End file.
